tOes

Don't ever believe anyone when they tell you good friends aren't important. In my teens I had friends - good friends. People I will cherish the rest of my life - whether we talk everyday, week, month, year or rarely.

As you know, in my twenties I was makin' babies. During this time in my life I really had no friends. I was in hiding. Hiding from the world my reality. The reality of being in a miserable marriage and the reality of punishing myself for the many mistakes I had made in my teens. Since this was the case, I hid. I didn't want anyone to know. We had no social life, no couple friends. So, I kept pretending and kept having kids and kept hoping for a better future. When the kids were old enough to go to school, I made friends with other parents. I kept them at a safe distance so there would be no chance of being invited over or out to dinner. No chance of them getting a glimpse of my reality. Eventually I did let my guard down and let a few get close. This would have been around the time I made the decision to leave my misery behind. And I was grateful for those that were close.

In my thirties, I became a social piraya. I don't know if that is technically the right word, but I was someone no one wanted to be around. I was a single mom! Married women did not want you around their husband because you might steal them, single men didn't want you around because of course - you were out to find someone to take care of you and your children, and other single women didn't want you around because you were competition. Needless to say it sucked, but wasn't much different from the way I'd alienated myself in my twenties. At the end of my thirties I made it a mission to find friends and keep them because I began to realize just how important it was to not only be surrounded by people who care about you, but to care about other people too. And it was a hard task.

In my forties, I began accepting myself. In doing so, it allowed me to accept those around me. It allowed me to let my guard down and let go of a lot of stuff. It allowed me to let people in and also, when need be, let some go.