Tuesday, September 20, 2011

do I? or don't I.....

So, it's been awhile. Truth be told I am constantly writing posts for my blog in my head. I just can't always get to my computer to share.

I have been contemplating my relationship with the other quite a bit. I have been thinking that something is lacking. I started thinking that I wanted some sign of commitment from him, that I was getting closer to letting go of my 'road blocks' and was starting to think I was ready for long term commitment....other than the unspoken understanding between us. I thought a ring would be a good place to start. Seriously, like just being engaged. Only the more I thought about it I recounted that thought. A ring, but with no date, just a symbol of commitment. The more I thought about this I began to realize that after being in a relationship with someone for the most part of eleven years, maybe I shouldn't feel so gun shy. Maybe this means I don't really want this at all. So, I'm thinking that I do want to find someone to grow old with, that the other is the 'interim'. Maybe this isn't fair, maybe it is. Maybe I'm the 'interim' for him too.

I wish I'd had all the answers early on. I would have realized then that it's about finding a friend first, all the other stuff comes later. With the other, the 'stuff' came first. After eleven years, I can now say we are friends. Are we great friends? maybe. But to find that one person I can connect with I think I am still searching for. That someone does not have to have the same political beliefs as I do, or the same religious beliefs that I do. There just has to be a flow of interest in each other, respect for one another, sense of caring and desire to make being together work. I am looking for that certain someone who will be a compliment to me and I to them.

For now the other is the interim, he might be the one...maybe, maybe not.