hmmmm......

So, have you ever wanted to be a part of something bigger than yourself? Bigger than the small little world you have unexpectedly created for yourself? Only you don't know how to go about it. And everyone else seems so much cooler, so much better put together. They have all the answers and they even seem to wear their clothes better than you. One day it's like a light goes on and you realize that everything you say is so stupid and irrelevant. All the things you have placed such importance on is ridiculously unimportant. So, I want to climb Mt. Everest. I want to work in a third world country. I want to feed the poor. I want to sew my own quilt and can my own food. I want to live in a cabin in the woods and not be concerned with gadgets and such. I want people to come into my home and I serve them hot coffee and warm apple pie. And they'll feel at home like they never want to leave. And when they do leave, they aren't the same......

do I? or don't I.....

So, it's been awhile. Truth be told I am constantly writing posts for my blog in my head. I just can't always get to my computer to share.

I have been contemplating my relationship with the other quite a bit. I have been thinking that something is lacking. I started thinking that I wanted some sign of commitment from him, that I was getting closer to letting go of my 'road blocks' and was starting to think I was ready for long term commitment....other than the unspoken understanding between us. I thought a ring would be a good place to start. Seriously, like just being engaged. Only the more I thought about it I recounted that thought. A ring, but with no date, just a symbol of commitment. The more I thought about this I began to realize that after being in a relationship with someone for the most part of eleven years, maybe I shouldn't feel so gun shy. Maybe this means I don't really want this at all. So, I'm thinking that I do want to find someone to grow old with, that the other is the 'interim'. Maybe this isn't fair, maybe it is. Maybe I'm the 'interim' for him too.

I wish I'd had all the answers early on. I would have realized then that it's about finding a friend first, all the other stuff comes later. With the other, the 'stuff' came first. After eleven years, I can now say we are friends. Are we great friends? maybe. But to find that one person I can connect with I think I am still searching for. That someone does not have to have the same political beliefs as I do, or the same religious beliefs that I do. There just has to be a flow of interest in each other, respect for one another, sense of caring and desire to make being together work. I am looking for that certain someone who will be a compliment to me and I to them.

For now the other is the interim, he might be the one...maybe, maybe not.

life continues

It's that time again. The people I live with are either returning to school or beginning a new chapter of their education. Soon the house will be quiet and although I am stretched as thin as possible, I'll be sad.

The oldest will return to her home away from home - a place I myself am very envious of.
The middle will begin her journey away from home - but not too far.
And the boy will be the only one of our kind on campus now as he begins his junior year.

And as for me? I am finally taking a trip with the other. We will be wilderness backpacking soon. I am excited to get away and nervous at the same time. The other doesn't have to worry about little animals getting fed. His are left to their own devices in pastures a little greener than before as it finally rained. He doesn't have to worry about peoples away from home. And he doesn't have to worry about a boy getting a ride from school. But all that said, I am going to try my damnedest to relax and enjoy the fresh air, the silence, the solitude and pooping in the woods.

this is the story....

This is the story of your red right ankle
And how it came to meet your leg
And how the muscle bones and sinews tangled
And how the skin was softly shed
And how it whispered,
"Oh, adhere to me for we are bound by symmetry
And whatever differences our lives have been
We together make a limb."
This is the story of your red right ankle......

I love these lyrics. It's a song by the Decemberists who I am going to see in concert in exactly one week. Thank you Danny for introducing me to the Decemberists.

I have no idea what this song is supposed to mean, but for me it's about a lover and how the lover is like a part of the persons body all intertwined with their own. Anyway, I like it and I really hope they sing it at the concert even though they probably won't because it's an older song.

fuel

The other night a gym buddy of mine told me how much he liked watching me workout because I have so much energy. really? wow! thanks Eric! So, I started thinking about how I feel when I work out. I know I have told you several times that I don't always FEEL like working out but I go and I do.

I really think it matters what you have eaten all day long. If you eat relatively healthy food and a reasonable amount of calories, it really makes a difference in your energy levels. If you ate say, a huge greasy cheeseburger and fries, you might not have such a great workout.

I have also been reading a lot about what you eat right before you workout and how important it is to get some carbs in you to help with your energy level. I have always made sure I get a small snack about an hour before I workout and it makes a big difference. Last night was date night and I decided to forgo my snack so I could save the calories for dinner and it really affected me. Sorry to let you down Eric - but date night was worth it ;)

nom nom

One of my favorites times of the day is lunch. It's because while I'm eating I like to read blogs. I almost solely read *food blogs*. I have a couple of other blogs (jeremy & kathleen, Travels & Trevails, trenchwarfaretoo) I like that aren't about food but mostly it's all about food. I like watching the food trends and seeing the different ways to create all sorts of things with strawberries, nutella, quinoa, etc. However, I mostly look for ways to make lo-cal stuff.

I recently stumbled upon Chocolate-Covered Katie's blog. Believe it or not she has a recipe for a chocolate chip cookie cake that uses white beans. I am not kidding and I am totally going to try this recipe out. I'll let you know how it goes!

grumble, grumble.......sigh

When you are younger and in a relationship, you learn things as you go. You constantly ask your girlie girls for advise and talk incessantly about mistakes you are making over and over and over. In the end, you really only listen to yourself and the story gets old.

So when you get older you learn that you don't need advise from the girlie girls. You don't ask them 'What do you think?' This is because you already know the answers. So you really just need someone to lean on. Someone you can band with as if it were a club with a shared secret that only the girlie girls know about. The secret goes unsaid but it's there. And when the club disbands for the day or night or what have you, everyone goes back to their own heaven or hell depending on the situation.

We love our men but our girlie girls are our true soul mates.

it keeps me going

Wow! That was a long stretch, but I'm back now.

So, the other night at the gym I was feeling really like the 'gym' was THE last place I wanted to to be. But, as I told you before, I was there as usual. I started to think about why it is that I always show up and what keeps me there once class begins. Honestly I can tell you that for many reasons I love the economics classes I took. Seriously. In most everything I do these days, I always think about 'opportunity costs'. What is the opportunity cost of doing this or that or Not doing this or that. If only I had learned this bit of knowledge a looooong time ago, dangit! Another important thing that keeps me IN class once it begins.....I always imagine that the 'newbies' in class are secretly scouters. Hey, I'm being honest here. Maybe they are fitness scouters looking for people to become instructors or take part in a workout DVD. It could happen!

So, now you know what keeps me on track and one reason I give it my all in class! heehee

lo-cal

Just a few quick ways to keep your calories on the down-low:

Forget the salad dressings, use redwine vinegar with salsa instead, or just salsa - it gives your salad the wetness your palate is used to, adds a little flavor (or alot depending on the salsa) and it's REALLY low in calories.

Swap your soda for some mineral water. Add some fresh fruit, strawberries, blueberries, apples, kiwis, or just a lemon wedge. The water is refreshing kept really cold in the fridge and the fruit is a treat at the end.

Add mineral water to your wine. This accomplishes two things. 1. It reduces the amount of wine you drink, thus lowering your calorie intake. 2. mineral water has lots of nutritional value. Also, it doesn't affect the flavor of your wine - I promise!

NEVER butter your bread. Really you won't miss it.

Reach for mustard instead of mayo or ketchup - it's lower in calories and you can get some really yummy deli mustard that add lots of flavor to your sammich.

over and out!

sorry!

Sorry to say I have been neglecting my blog. I have had so much going on - and not good stuff either. But as the old song goes, 'I will survive'. (And I love both versions, Gloria Gaynor and Cake) Not only will I survive but I will get back to my blog AND I am going to figure out how to post pics come hell or high water. So....see you soon!

what do you say?

When it comes time to talk well... I talk, and talk. When they have questions, I have answers. When they don't ask, I offer answers anyway. Really I think it's the best way to arm your kids with most everything they need to keep themselves safe and help them make decisions. I do believe there should be 'need to know' guidelines when it comes to certain information - but basically you can go ahead an acuse me of telling too much and that is fine with me. I have never been one to call certain body parts funny little names, a vagina is a vagina and a penis is a penis. As you can imagine this goes over really well with my siblings as they don't neccessarily have the same opinion when it comes to talking to their own. And to that I say, hmmph!

the funnies

Nothing irks me more than hearing the background noise of cartoons on the TV. Yes, me, I'm a cartoon hater. Ok, there are one or two classics that I like to think I can tolerate, but for the most part, I really hate cartoons. Always have. So, summer begins and the cartoon bonanza for most kids does too. This is something I have worked really hard to keep from being a tradition in our home. When the kids were little, I spent tons of money on camps. They went to magic camp, clown camp, camp camp, art camp, bible camp, sewing camp, MASH camp, I'm not kidding. When they got older, it was harder to convince them the camps were a good thing. So, they got jobs. At least the girls did, the bub was too young. This summer they are all three working. I can't believe it - I am so lucky. Thus begins another problem altogether. Did I fail to mention I do not own a vehicle at the moment? Yea, the girls each have a car, but I don't. So, the four of us working people will be sharing transportation all summer. We'll see how this goes. But at least I won't have to listen to the awful sound of cartoons in the background.

standing room only

Tonight is the night. The 2nd is graduating and for some reason I am finding it harder than when the 1st did. It's funny, the 1st fretted about what was to come and the 2nd just keeps plugging along as if she were checking things off as she completes them. I'm proud of her accomplishments and am excited for what is to come. But I think also I feel proud of me too. One more has made it. They have done it without making all the stupid mistakes I made. It's true that my guidance, direction, and of course some coddling got them there. Every step of the way I talked to them but more importantly I listened. I let them know every bit of knowledge I had gained to give them all the tools they needed to survive and make the right decision for themselves. Mistakes were made, of course. But nothing was insurmountable.

1st graduated - check
2nd graduated - check
3rd.......

Latest read

I got a kindle for my birthday this year and I love it. However, the book I am currently reading I got for .50 on Amazon - you can't beat that right? So, it's not on my kindle but I'm enjoying it nonetheless!

It's Rope Burns, Stories From the Corner by F.X. Toole. It's a collection of fictional short stories about a 'cut man'. A guy who stops the bleeding on a boxer so he can keep fighting. And so far it's really good. I know I have told you before I like to fantasize that I am Maggie from Million Dollar Baby. Well, that movie actually came from one of the stories in this book - which is why I got the book. I can't wait to get to that particular story. What I probably haven't told you is I love boxing. When I was a kid I watched the fight where 'Boom Boom' Mancini knocked out Duk Koo Kim and actually killed him right there. I mean it's not like he meant to but that is the chance these guys take in the ring. So, I've had a thing for boxing ever since.

tOes

Don't ever believe anyone when they tell you good friends aren't important. In my teens I had friends - good friends. People I will cherish the rest of my life - whether we talk everyday, week, month, year or rarely.

As you know, in my twenties I was makin' babies. During this time in my life I really had no friends. I was in hiding. Hiding from the world my reality. The reality of being in a miserable marriage and the reality of punishing myself for the many mistakes I had made in my teens. Since this was the case, I hid. I didn't want anyone to know. We had no social life, no couple friends. So, I kept pretending and kept having kids and kept hoping for a better future. When the kids were old enough to go to school, I made friends with other parents. I kept them at a safe distance so there would be no chance of being invited over or out to dinner. No chance of them getting a glimpse of my reality. Eventually I did let my guard down and let a few get close. This would have been around the time I made the decision to leave my misery behind. And I was grateful for those that were close.

In my thirties, I became a social piraya. I don't know if that is technically the right word, but I was someone no one wanted to be around. I was a single mom! Married women did not want you around their husband because you might steal them, single men didn't want you around because of course - you were out to find someone to take care of you and your children, and other single women didn't want you around because you were competition. Needless to say it sucked, but wasn't much different from the way I'd alienated myself in my twenties. At the end of my thirties I made it a mission to find friends and keep them because I began to realize just how important it was to not only be surrounded by people who care about you, but to care about other people too. And it was a hard task.

In my forties, I began accepting myself. In doing so, it allowed me to accept those around me. It allowed me to let my guard down and let go of a lot of stuff. It allowed me to let people in and also, when need be, let some go.

a Senior's Sunday

Today was the day our church honored all the graduating seniors. It was appropriate that it be today because as her mother I could not have been more proud of her than this morning. Yes, it was a normal sunday morning. Hollering at the kids to get ready and try to put on something nice, and the usual sassy talking in the car. But there she sat in the front with her classmates. Some of the kids she had known since she was A LOT shorter. They had each parent submit a senior photo and a small paragraph of your childs accomplishments and what they would be doing after graduation. Some paragraphs were longer than others....a lot longer....yawn. But it was a day to be proud of their accomplishments, big or small.

dinner....and some music?

Went to dinner with the other last night. He was hungry for Italian so I took him to a little place I'd been to once that was kind of tucked away and quaint - really good authentic stuff. The night started out very nicely with a little with wine and some dessert.......and then we went to dinner.

We walked into the restaurant which had changed drastically since I'd been there. They had split the place into two different restaurants, but connected in the back. One side was an Irish pub and the other Italian. We were curious so we went over to the Irish side and walked right into my former flame. It was awkward. the other still couldn't decide if he wanted Irish or Italian at this point so I quickly ushered him over to the Italian side - the non-former-flame side.

So at this point I should have suggested we leave and find somewhere else to eat. But noooo, we stayed. And they had the most bizarre dinner music ever. A guy at the front of the place was playing music and singing along. Kind of like karaoke - only it was all sappy show tunes. At one point he stopped and said "Well if that didn't sound like Robert Goulet, I don't know what does." I'm telling you the truth. Well, all it took was for the other to crack the slightest smile and that was it. I laughed - not out loud, I covered pretty well. But I laughed.

And then the somewhat flamboyant waiter started commenting on how he loved that song and how he loved the way the guy was singing. I'm still telling you the truth.

By the end of dinner we were so ready to bolt, but the singing guy asked if we wanted to request something - I'm serious. So, I humored him and suggested something from the Phantom of the Opera. There we sat, waiting, trying not to laugh, or slit our throats.

comfort

If you haven't figured out by now that I am a highly stressed person, well I'll just let you know right now that it's true. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a stress junkie and without it I wouldn't be able to function. At other times I wonder how I am functioning at all. So, what gets me through? Little bits of comfort.

*Morning Star Incense - I especially like the patchouli but I also burn lavender, pine and cedar.
*Dark Chocolate - sneaking a little piece here and there makes me feel divine!
*Music for my Soul - there is too much to list but I listen to Kings of Leon, Eddie Vedder-Pearl Jam & the Decemberists alot.
*Natural Oils - I wear patchouli everyday but just ordered rosemary and CAN NOT wait because I love rubbing fresh rosemary on my skin in the summer!
*My quiet time in the morning watching the news with my coffee, two fried eggs and piece of dry toast.
*And of course the very thing that keeps me alive - red wine.

What gets you through it?

the young

All weekend long I encountered youth, and it made me smile big.

As I was driving around I saw a young couple in a front yard. The man was taking a picture of the girl standing beside a SOLD sign.

I convinced the other to take me to a music festival. The streets were filled with people of all ages, but what made the biggest impression on me was the young people. They were crazily dressed, some were crazy tipsy and mostly they were crazy happy.

One of my fitness instructors ran in a marathon. I parked on the side of the street watching and waiting to see her go by. I got so excited when I saw her that I jumped out of the car and ran up to her. When she looked up and saw me her face lit up and she thanked me for the support. I ran a little ways and then let her go to the finish where I quickly drove to and parked myself in a good spot to watch. I couldn't help but feel a little choked up as if this were my kid or something. It was raining cats, dogs and for a minute, hail. And it was awesome.

you know that part on Moulin Rouge where she sings 'some day i'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday...' ? that is how i feel today.

here's the drill

I love working out. Going to the gym is part of my weekly routine. There is no bantering of maybe I'll go, maybe I won't. I go. My workout buddies always know that Liz will be there. So, what is my routine?

Monday - Kickboxing
Tuesday - Spin
Wednesday - Kickboxing
Thursday - Step Aerobics
Friday - Off
Saturday or Sunday - Eliptical

In the spring I used to do various organized bicycle rides but kind of got away from doing that. I hope to get back at it soon. During the summer I try to ride my bike to work as much as I can. It's a good 30 minute ride 1-way. I think this summer I'll do that on Fridays!

letting it go

I have never really been an animal person. In the past I have turned my nose up to those who have 'indoor' animals. I just couldn't take the hair or the smell.

I have a dog, Sprout, who I love dearly. She was given to me by the other a long time ago. Surprisingly, I absolutely love my dog. She is an outdoor dog and she would have it no other way, and neither would I. I do let her in in bad weather because she asks to come in and it would be mean not to. However, she prefers the outdoors.

The oldest asked for a cat for years. An 'indoor' cat. I always stuck to my snobbish ways and said "Hell NO!"

I guess I need to tell you that the oldest suffers from depression. At times it's crippling. So.....I let it go. I let go of my now ridiculous rules on indoor pets and I got her Sheba. This animal literally saved her life. I am completely convinced. And what may sound light-heartedly written on this blog - should not be read as such. This cat who is almost human has brought so much joy and love into our home - it's unbelievable.

So, lesson learned. Let go.

food FOOD FOOD!!

I started out the biggest damn junk food junkie there ever was. I loved nachos, Taco Bell, canned tamales, McD's fries & chili dogs. Over the years, I became aware of exactly what I was shoving down my throat. Naturally I discovered this awareness after the birth of the three - when I was quite a bit larger than I am now. ahem. In fact at my 10 year highschool reunion, I got voted "Most Changed" with some cackling from my former flame and first love. *sigh*

I began reading anything and everything I could get my hands on about nutrition and exercise. Go ahead, ask me anything, I can probably give you the answer. I lost every bit of that baby weight and was my old, too skinny, highschool self again. Over the years, I gained a little back and recently I lost 31 pounds. I have reached my goal weight and yes I am happy about it. It's things like this that help you to realize you really can do anything you set your mind to. My whole life I was told that once you turn 40, there is absolutely nothing you can do about your weight. Add to that a hysterectomy and you are doomed to hell. Well, I'm 43 and I have proven that wrong. Yay for me!

Currently I am exploring all kinds of foods that are different than what I have known. I don't go for any of those fad diets or ridiculous berry claims. I stick to the basics and believe in eating ALOT less processed foods and of course exercising. I know, boring. It's much more exciting to think there is some magic pill or method to morphing into looking just like the rich and famous, but there isn't. My Mom always said use it or lose it - this goes for your metabolism too. Eat people! Just know what the heck it is you are eating!

i'm not speshul

Did I ever mention the fact that I fantasize about being someone else? well, I do. The kids like to make fun of me for it. So here's my list of people I want to be:

Alice - Main Character in Resident Evil
Maggie - woman boxer in Million Dollar Baby
Mattie - young girl in True Grit (the new version)

I have a friend at the gym who has an awesome blog. She is the real McCoy. Truly talented and absolutely beautiful. She's a graphic artist and VERY successful and good at what she does. I swear if I had the money I'd pay her to re-design me. Seriously. Anyway, you know how you always think you are the only one? Well, my friend also sees herself as fantasy characters. She often mentions Laura Croft from Tomb Raider and to tell you the truth she could totally pull it off!

So, my point is, I'm not special. I thought I was the only freak who fantasized about this kind of stuff. It's actually not as silly as it sounds. Notice a recurring theme in my characters? They are all strong women. So, I guess I see myself as a strong woman! huh, go figure.

it's all Greek to me!

Ok, so anyone stumbling on my blog will find it painfully obvious that this is something new to me. It's something I have been interested in starting and hey, I'm just going with it! It's a process and hopefully my creative side will keep becoming more apparent as I learn how this whole blogger world works.

hey world! it's me!

Fun.

Holy week is my favorite time of the Church year, actually all of Lent is. But! I really do not like the Easter holiday.

Everyone puts on pastel clothes and white shoes and gathers on a sunny day. It's ridiculous cheeriness. Thank goodness the kids are too old for ye ole Easter Bunny. It's all just a bunch of hooha anyway.

So, of course we will go to mass in the a.m. then off to my parents house to stuff food down out gullets. Then the kids go to Granny's so they can stuff more food down their gullets. I'm sure I will hang around my parents to do the clean up and embibe further. (I used to hold my breath because the other one was adverse to any kind of organized family function and I never knew if he was going to participate or not, but he's gotten much better ;) And then home.

Unfortunately we only have one bathroom.

remembering

This was a day to remember. The boy was only 1 month old and the girls were adjusting to life with another male in the house. I actually had plans to travel downtown to take care of getting everyone's SS#'s that week. Of course we all have our own story about that day, about people we knew who were taken from us, or people we know who helped out. Stories about what we were doing and what we heard and felt. And we have all been to the fence.

20,30,40.....

I LOVE my 40's. Yes facial hair and all - I LOVE my 40's. If I only had this wisdom in my teens boy I coulda saved the world....or at least myself from a lot of heartache. In my teens, I was a trainwreck. In my 20's I was a baby making machine. In my 30's I was a recovering divorcee. Now in my 40's I am an observer. I love watching people in the different stages of life and absorbing their experiences. It's a good feeling to just embrace those around you.

is that even a word?

I decided I'm a longerer. I'm always longing for something.....longing to get away. longing for the moon. longing for the fresh air. longing for the answers. longing for something more.....

the boy

Raising a boy as a single mom is undoubtedly a challenge. Am I doing right by him? Am I expecting enough? too much? I'd like to think he is going to make someone the perfect husband, father, companion, provider, etc. I'm no guy. I know how to talk to the girls. I know their language. When it comes to the boy - it's a whole other game. And when it comes to his accomplishments, the proud feelings are also different than with the girls. Not to say one is more or less than the other - just different.

BIG belt buckle

The next time I go to a cattle sale I am definitely going to be sporting me a BIG ass belt buckle, glitzy jeans, boots and big boobs. Wait - nix the big boobs - just the jeans, the buckle and the boots. Actually it was really awesome. I got to help the other pick out some bulls. (Actually I made the decision on which ones to buy, really.) So as I sat there totally getting into the whole scene, my mind kept twirling around the thought that I could actually do this. I could make this my life. We worked well together, deciding which ones looked good and why. He was happy. I know I had made him happy driving down and helping him, being a part of his world. It was a reprieve from the stress of my world. I couldn't help but get sad because after 11 years, he still couldn't be a part of mine. For whatever reason. We spent an evening with a couple who had both recently divorced. She with kids, he without. They had totally jumped feet first into the new relationship, mixing kids and all. 11 years later - I still can't do it. I've kept the other one at a distance and am beginning to think it's somewhat unfair. Unfair to him, unfair to the kids. Will my kids even know what a healthy loving relationship looks like? Or will they be better off than the kids of those divers? Only time will tell.

On being on an island.

Ok, so when my girlfriends talk about the grumblings of married life and such I always feel a little lucky. No really, I kind of have it good. I make the rules in my house and I don't have to answer to anyone (except the kids of course). There is no one to fight over the bills, the house, the yard, the cars, future financial stuff. All that stuff. So, the decisions are mine......and so are the outcomes. I own them. It's empowering and frightening.

The other one.

There is someone else other than the three. Someone who has been a part of my life for the past eleven years. Someone I have kept at a safe distance but held close enough so they won't be too far. So when I ponder my impending empty nest, I keep wondering if there will be more room for them some day. More room in my heart and in my brain. Or will I busy myself with the trials and tribulations of the three forever?

The 2nd one.

So I'm not exactly an amatuer when it comes to sending a kid off to college. I've done it once and needless to say it was full of ups, downs and lots of tears. So, the second go round I feel like I'm a little better prepared. really? no. Today was spent shopping for graduation outfits for #2 and although it was a successful day, it was kind of sad. I felt like I was hovering outside my body going through the motions. Time goes so fast. When I got home with a very happy and unusually confident young woman, I hugged #3 and thought about how it would soon just be the two of us.

the beginning of the end.....

Two years ago what I thought would be one of the worst things to happen did. My internal lady organ was removed. I guess it was a beginning and an end. It was an end to all the possibilities of ever having another child, of not knowing each month if there would be an 'accident' and my little family would grow and you know all those feelings that go with that whole story. Once I got divorced I knew I never wanted to have any more children anyway. This may sound snobby but I didn't want my kids to have different dads. So when I was feeling crazy and thinking I wanted another kid, I thought "Gee, I wonder if my ex would just donate some sperm...." Knowing that would never happen I gave that idea up.
The beginning was a total sense of FREEDOM! Real freedom - it was quite liberating. I know I don't need to get all gorey cuz I'm sure you know what I'm referring too.

And then what happened?.......my post uterus life began.