it's all Greek to me!

Ok, so anyone stumbling on my blog will find it painfully obvious that this is something new to me. It's something I have been interested in starting and hey, I'm just going with it! It's a process and hopefully my creative side will keep becoming more apparent as I learn how this whole blogger world works.

hey world! it's me!

Fun.

Holy week is my favorite time of the Church year, actually all of Lent is. But! I really do not like the Easter holiday.

Everyone puts on pastel clothes and white shoes and gathers on a sunny day. It's ridiculous cheeriness. Thank goodness the kids are too old for ye ole Easter Bunny. It's all just a bunch of hooha anyway.

So, of course we will go to mass in the a.m. then off to my parents house to stuff food down out gullets. Then the kids go to Granny's so they can stuff more food down their gullets. I'm sure I will hang around my parents to do the clean up and embibe further. (I used to hold my breath because the other one was adverse to any kind of organized family function and I never knew if he was going to participate or not, but he's gotten much better ;) And then home.

Unfortunately we only have one bathroom.

remembering

This was a day to remember. The boy was only 1 month old and the girls were adjusting to life with another male in the house. I actually had plans to travel downtown to take care of getting everyone's SS#'s that week. Of course we all have our own story about that day, about people we knew who were taken from us, or people we know who helped out. Stories about what we were doing and what we heard and felt. And we have all been to the fence.

20,30,40.....

I LOVE my 40's. Yes facial hair and all - I LOVE my 40's. If I only had this wisdom in my teens boy I coulda saved the world....or at least myself from a lot of heartache. In my teens, I was a trainwreck. In my 20's I was a baby making machine. In my 30's I was a recovering divorcee. Now in my 40's I am an observer. I love watching people in the different stages of life and absorbing their experiences. It's a good feeling to just embrace those around you.

is that even a word?

I decided I'm a longerer. I'm always longing for something.....longing to get away. longing for the moon. longing for the fresh air. longing for the answers. longing for something more.....

the boy

Raising a boy as a single mom is undoubtedly a challenge. Am I doing right by him? Am I expecting enough? too much? I'd like to think he is going to make someone the perfect husband, father, companion, provider, etc. I'm no guy. I know how to talk to the girls. I know their language. When it comes to the boy - it's a whole other game. And when it comes to his accomplishments, the proud feelings are also different than with the girls. Not to say one is more or less than the other - just different.

BIG belt buckle

The next time I go to a cattle sale I am definitely going to be sporting me a BIG ass belt buckle, glitzy jeans, boots and big boobs. Wait - nix the big boobs - just the jeans, the buckle and the boots. Actually it was really awesome. I got to help the other pick out some bulls. (Actually I made the decision on which ones to buy, really.) So as I sat there totally getting into the whole scene, my mind kept twirling around the thought that I could actually do this. I could make this my life. We worked well together, deciding which ones looked good and why. He was happy. I know I had made him happy driving down and helping him, being a part of his world. It was a reprieve from the stress of my world. I couldn't help but get sad because after 11 years, he still couldn't be a part of mine. For whatever reason. We spent an evening with a couple who had both recently divorced. She with kids, he without. They had totally jumped feet first into the new relationship, mixing kids and all. 11 years later - I still can't do it. I've kept the other one at a distance and am beginning to think it's somewhat unfair. Unfair to him, unfair to the kids. Will my kids even know what a healthy loving relationship looks like? Or will they be better off than the kids of those divers? Only time will tell.