do I? or don't I.....

So, it's been awhile. Truth be told I am constantly writing posts for my blog in my head. I just can't always get to my computer to share.

I have been contemplating my relationship with the other quite a bit. I have been thinking that something is lacking. I started thinking that I wanted some sign of commitment from him, that I was getting closer to letting go of my 'road blocks' and was starting to think I was ready for long term commitment....other than the unspoken understanding between us. I thought a ring would be a good place to start. Seriously, like just being engaged. Only the more I thought about it I recounted that thought. A ring, but with no date, just a symbol of commitment. The more I thought about this I began to realize that after being in a relationship with someone for the most part of eleven years, maybe I shouldn't feel so gun shy. Maybe this means I don't really want this at all. So, I'm thinking that I do want to find someone to grow old with, that the other is the 'interim'. Maybe this isn't fair, maybe it is. Maybe I'm the 'interim' for him too.

I wish I'd had all the answers early on. I would have realized then that it's about finding a friend first, all the other stuff comes later. With the other, the 'stuff' came first. After eleven years, I can now say we are friends. Are we great friends? maybe. But to find that one person I can connect with I think I am still searching for. That someone does not have to have the same political beliefs as I do, or the same religious beliefs that I do. There just has to be a flow of interest in each other, respect for one another, sense of caring and desire to make being together work. I am looking for that certain someone who will be a compliment to me and I to them.

For now the other is the interim, he might be the one...maybe, maybe not.

life continues

It's that time again. The people I live with are either returning to school or beginning a new chapter of their education. Soon the house will be quiet and although I am stretched as thin as possible, I'll be sad.

The oldest will return to her home away from home - a place I myself am very envious of.
The middle will begin her journey away from home - but not too far.
And the boy will be the only one of our kind on campus now as he begins his junior year.

And as for me? I am finally taking a trip with the other. We will be wilderness backpacking soon. I am excited to get away and nervous at the same time. The other doesn't have to worry about little animals getting fed. His are left to their own devices in pastures a little greener than before as it finally rained. He doesn't have to worry about peoples away from home. And he doesn't have to worry about a boy getting a ride from school. But all that said, I am going to try my damnedest to relax and enjoy the fresh air, the silence, the solitude and pooping in the woods.

this is the story....

This is the story of your red right ankle
And how it came to meet your leg
And how the muscle bones and sinews tangled
And how the skin was softly shed
And how it whispered,
"Oh, adhere to me for we are bound by symmetry
And whatever differences our lives have been
We together make a limb."
This is the story of your red right ankle......

I love these lyrics. It's a song by the Decemberists who I am going to see in concert in exactly one week. Thank you Danny for introducing me to the Decemberists.

I have no idea what this song is supposed to mean, but for me it's about a lover and how the lover is like a part of the persons body all intertwined with their own. Anyway, I like it and I really hope they sing it at the concert even though they probably won't because it's an older song.

fuel

The other night a gym buddy of mine told me how much he liked watching me workout because I have so much energy. really? wow! thanks Eric! So, I started thinking about how I feel when I work out. I know I have told you several times that I don't always FEEL like working out but I go and I do.

I really think it matters what you have eaten all day long. If you eat relatively healthy food and a reasonable amount of calories, it really makes a difference in your energy levels. If you ate say, a huge greasy cheeseburger and fries, you might not have such a great workout.

I have also been reading a lot about what you eat right before you workout and how important it is to get some carbs in you to help with your energy level. I have always made sure I get a small snack about an hour before I workout and it makes a big difference. Last night was date night and I decided to forgo my snack so I could save the calories for dinner and it really affected me. Sorry to let you down Eric - but date night was worth it ;)

nom nom

One of my favorites times of the day is lunch. It's because while I'm eating I like to read blogs. I almost solely read *food blogs*. I have a couple of other blogs (jeremy & kathleen, Travels & Trevails, trenchwarfaretoo) I like that aren't about food but mostly it's all about food. I like watching the food trends and seeing the different ways to create all sorts of things with strawberries, nutella, quinoa, etc. However, I mostly look for ways to make lo-cal stuff.

I recently stumbled upon Chocolate-Covered Katie's blog. Believe it or not she has a recipe for a chocolate chip cookie cake that uses white beans. I am not kidding and I am totally going to try this recipe out. I'll let you know how it goes!

grumble, grumble.......sigh

When you are younger and in a relationship, you learn things as you go. You constantly ask your girlie girls for advise and talk incessantly about mistakes you are making over and over and over. In the end, you really only listen to yourself and the story gets old.

So when you get older you learn that you don't need advise from the girlie girls. You don't ask them 'What do you think?' This is because you already know the answers. So you really just need someone to lean on. Someone you can band with as if it were a club with a shared secret that only the girlie girls know about. The secret goes unsaid but it's there. And when the club disbands for the day or night or what have you, everyone goes back to their own heaven or hell depending on the situation.

We love our men but our girlie girls are our true soul mates.

it keeps me going

Wow! That was a long stretch, but I'm back now.

So, the other night at the gym I was feeling really like the 'gym' was THE last place I wanted to to be. But, as I told you before, I was there as usual. I started to think about why it is that I always show up and what keeps me there once class begins. Honestly I can tell you that for many reasons I love the economics classes I took. Seriously. In most everything I do these days, I always think about 'opportunity costs'. What is the opportunity cost of doing this or that or Not doing this or that. If only I had learned this bit of knowledge a looooong time ago, dangit! Another important thing that keeps me IN class once it begins.....I always imagine that the 'newbies' in class are secretly scouters. Hey, I'm being honest here. Maybe they are fitness scouters looking for people to become instructors or take part in a workout DVD. It could happen!

So, now you know what keeps me on track and one reason I give it my all in class! heehee